The power of (Over) Thinking.

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. I know as much about the way that the human brain works as the next 21 year old (badly phrased, as the next 21 year old around these parts happens to be my flatmate who is a third year Psychology student); most of my assumptions of grandeur and high brow estimations about the way in which the female mind works have always been based on personal experience and observation. In actual fact, I might be making a fool out of myself by writing this blog - all about the female brain and our terrible habit of over-thinking to the brink of obsession. This blog is coming from me; Jessica Wragg, a twenty one year old girl with a poor history in the boy department and a badly damaged self esteem, so the variables are stacked. But could you find some truth in my postulation of the fairer sex? Have a read, and find out.
Over the past two years, after a tumultuous summer pre-university, I've found that my brain works in over time in almost every aspect of my life. I find it difficult to accept the face of situations - social, personal or amorous, constantly believing and wondering if there could be something I'm missing. Does he like me? Am I going to miss this deadline? I'm going to be late for work. Was she talking about me? Why is he looking at me like that? If I kiss him now will he think I'm a weirdo? This intense paranoia is triggered as soon as something good happens in my life, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's just me.
Perhaps its to do with my self confidence. Summer last year I began therapy for panic attacks, which soon led to delve into deeper issues, such as my issue with myself, my body and my image. The therapist (NHS prescribed - do you think I could afford therapy?) recommended that I go to a few sessions to talk things over. We discovered (both together, as my habits were too regular for me to notice how shocking they were any more) that I look in the mirror/any reflective surface almost 250 times a day. I'm constantly checking my face, my clothes, my body for any noticeable scuffs. Mostly, I wonder if I look fat or skinny, whether my nose looks big or not, how broad my shoulders are, and I realized after almost 5 weeks that it had to stop. Things are much better now, and I'm less self-obsessed. However it seems that this little obsession I have has broadened a little, and now I'm a chronic over thinker. But is it just me? I've noticed that women don't like to admit that they are 'over-thinkers'; instead they relieve the stress that couples it with conversations on the subject, explaining their step-by-step feelings towards it/him/her/whatever and almost boring their friends to tears. God knows I've done it - slowly seeing my nearest and dearest lose the will to live as they sit until their arse is numb listening to me chattering on about something that's been 'on my mind' for a while. In actual fact, I use talking it over with my friends as justification and validation.
If I take an example, let's go back to last year. I was seeing a man; great job, good looking, a gentleman. We were technically 'seeing' each other for a few months - in the very beginning I wasn't too keen on him, and the idea of something close to a boyfriend terrified me, until I began to like him. All of a sudden, just as true romances go, he disappeared off the face of the earth, and we were out of contact for two or three weeks. He finally surfaced a month later with a view to a no strings relationship - the opposite of what he had wanted before. It didn't take long for me to sack that shit firmly off. But alas, apologies, I'm going off topic. What I really wanted to bring to light here is that in the two weeks that I didn't hear a word I was constantly wondering what I could have possibly done wrong - going back over every date we'd had and evaluating both of our behavior, checking my phone and wondering if I should text him. Basically I spent two weeks in a bizarre self loathing but hopefully optimistic limbo, where I was punishing myself for letting that happen. Was I too much of a doormat? Did I not give him what he wanted? Did I come off to cold? Too full on? What did I fucking do?
In the end it turned out that he was just a foul human being, but that was all it took to send me into self doubt. Granted I wasn't that confident in the first place. Anyway, before I start to sound like a psychopath, I just wonder if its something that at some point in our lives, we are all destined to do? Particularly with self esteem arguably at its lowest in society now, have we started to become a nation of over-thinkers? Perhaps I'm actually just utilizing this blog now as a self help page, trying to prevent myself from spiraling once again. (I'm kidding - I'm not actually a psychopath, just a blogger with a observation to write about). Men are supposedly uncomplicated and women the opposite - if you think of Television and Film portrayals of women, particularly in the recent years, you'll notice that the majority of them will end up sitting around a cocktail bar combing through every details of a work event, relationship or family problem with a fine toothed comb, whilst their girlfriends sit interjecting at appropriate moments with a supportive 'Yes' 'Really?' and 'You don't need that'. Have we been taught that we have to scrutinize everything we do in order to make sure that we're 'doing' it right?
I have no idea. I feel much better about my horrendous habit recently. I've started to let things run its course. As I sit here, wondering if I'll get that text, if I'll get enough sleep before work tomorrow, if this hangover will ever run its course, I can relax in the knowledge that none of matters, because scrutinizing is a waste of our valuable time and effort - something we can all agree on.
Jessie x